Ian's August 2022 Newsletter

To mark Father's Day, which in Australia is held on Sunday the 5th of September, I will be presenting my Men’s Health & ABFE Online workshop starting the very next day, Monday the 6th. It will run over three weekly sessions. Enrol in the workshop here.

We may not all be fathers, but we all had one. The person you are today was very much shaped by your father and your relationship with him.

The role of fathers has changed dramatically over the last 200 years, far more than the change in the role of the mother. This change was brought about by the industrial revolution, which led families to move to large cities and fathers travelling away from the home to work. Up until this time children would often be working with their father and learning skills and a trade directly from him. Recently a large group of 6 year old children in New York were asked what their fathers did for work and virtually none knew.

Metaphysically a man’s major focus is work, then the partner then lastly, their children. So unfortunately, it can be very easy for some men to focus on their work and not create the time to develop a really good relationship with their children. Some fathers return weary from work and rather than engaging with their children and partner, switch off from their busy or stressful job by zoning out in front of the TV, newspaper, Internet or with alcohol. Robert Bly, a major figure in the Men’s Movement in the United States, sadly reflected two decades ago that the average father looks out from behind his newspaper 50% less than he did a decade ago. Has this changed for the better now?

Red Helmet Orchid is such a great remedy for both a child and a father as it strengthens the bond between them. When I last prepared this essence I made it on Father’s Day, which unfortunately for many men is a day of great sadness as they reflect on the lack of connection to their child or children.

It's only in the last 50 years that divorce has become quite common. One of the very sad statistics associated with divorce in countries such as United States and Australia, is that only one year after divorce, 30% of men have no contact with their children - which has such a negative impact in the lives of both the children and the father. As well as the physically absent father there is also the emotionally absent father who is more preoccupied and distracted in his own world and life than that of his children. The negative impact to the children of these two scenarios with fathers is similar. Some of the major impacts if a father is not present in either his son or daughter's life are considerable.

The consequence of this on boys can be seen with the joining of gangs, a lifelong rebellious attitude to authority figures such as teachers, police, bosses etc; a lack of a role model on knowing how to treat women and be a man. The impact on daughters of an absent father is seen in a shortened education, which has in many cases profound economic consequences, increase in teenage pregnancies and self-esteem issues. The latter can also be seen with sons.

A surprising result that came out of a 35 year study on empathy showed that a caring, present, good father was crucial to this quality being fully developed in children. Fortunately, we have the Rough Bluebell Essence to help bring about empathy and compassion for those lacking in these qualities.

If you were lucky enough to have your father around while you growing up, what type of a father was he, what was his parenting style? John Lee, in his book, “At My Father's Wedding”, describes four negative fathering patterns that have been quite common. If you can see your father in any of these models, there’s a good chance that you've got some of this trait yourself. Unfortunately, as young children we are like psychic sponges and we take on the emotional patterns of our parents before we have enough life experience to realise that they may not be the best qualities and personality traits to take on.

The four stereotypes in Lee’s book are:

The King: the children live in his Kingdom and they have to obey all the rules of the king. It was his way or the highway. Very much the Gymea Lily type.

The Critic: constantly criticising, putting others down and being very nit-picking. The classic negative aspects of Yellow Cowslip Orchid.

The Passive Father: he wasn't there emotionally, he was weak, gave all responsibilities for the family to his wife, the mother. This is a combination of Kapok Bush and Five Corners.

The Absent Father: if he hadn't actually physically abandoned the family, then he was entirely focused on his own career and activities and was never around for the children. Never turned up for school events or sporting activities, never did the mundane, boring things such as taking the children to school, setting rules and disciplining when needed. Black-eyed Susan and Red Helmet Orchid would have led to these children having a much better Dad! Boab, one of the deepest acting of the Bush Essences, is the remedy to help clear negative father patterns from being passed down to the next generation of children. This Essence is great to help clear any passed-on negative male stereotypes around fathering, violence, inability to open the heart, or nurture and express feelings.

Boab, along with Red Helmet Orchid and Yellow Cowslip Orchid are all part of remedies making up the Men’s Essence.

Steven Biddulph, in his excellent book, “Manhood” believes it's imperative for a son to make the effort to connect and communicate with his father. I think it's very important for a daughter to do this also. Biddulph suggests creating the time to find out, without judgement, about your father, the story of his marriage what fatherhood was like for him, what his childhood was like.  He also suggests not doing it at a cafe but somewhere private and quiet, maybe even going away on a trip together so there's plenty of time. With Father’s Day coming up this could be a really good time find out a lot more about your father and share your own experiences of growing up with your father. If you don't have a very good connection with your Dad, you may want to take a combination of Dagger Hakea – for forgiveness and Red Helmet Orchid before you make an attempt to reconnect with him. If your father is no longer alive, Biddulph recommends talking to his friends or family to ask about these things.

You could also work with Bush Fuchsia and Green Spider Orchid to help you intuitively know these things about your Dad. Some people make a pilgrimage to where their father grew up, which might even be in a different country or state, along with visiting important places in their father's life.

I hope this article and Father's Day itself might lead to an even closer loving relationship and connection to your Dad and, if you're a father, to have this with your own children.