Patient who had suffered Sexual Abuse
D. is a 37 year old man who was sexually abused as a child by Christian Brothers, became involved in a very secret homosexual relationship as a teenager, sexually interfered with his young sisters, drank a lot, hung around with very “macho” mates, married his pregnant girlfriend, had three children and then began physically abusing his wife. He had always lived his married life believing that he should control the money and she should primarily look after the children. His wife began a relationship with his best mate and became pregnant to him. They separated and D. then harassed her and her new partner to the point where he was on assault charges, broke intervention orders, and only avoided going to jail because they moved interstate and he couldn’t find them.
When D. came to me he was separated from his second wife after several years together, and was unable to let her go either. He had abused her during their relationship, both physically and sexually, and had had a sexual encounter with his fifteen year old step-daughter. He was having suicidal thoughts about riding his bike under a bus, and was effectively committing emotional suicide by continually harassing his wife and believing that he could win her back. This took the form of visiting her and refusing to leave until there was a massive argument, at times becoming physical. He believed that he had really destroyed his first relationship and could not face ruining this one. He felt that if he did not get the relationship back that he had wasted his life and could not go on. He wanted to get control of his life.
Where to begin? The process with D. took a year. I used the essences to assist the emotional healing and achieve the breakthroughs we needed when he became resistant or frightened to move forward. Waratah was the initial essence I gave him to try to engage his will to survive and to realise that he was committing suicide by going to her house. After four days he enrolled himself in a course for separated people, and one for the men with anger management issues. He of course did not recognise this as a huge change from the week before when he was talking about being attracted to buses!
I continued with Boronia and Bottlebrush combinations to help him let go and move on, and then Fringed Violet and Flannel Flower to assist him in dealing with the sexual abuse. At each point of crisis we used Emergency Essence to help him through without losing control.
He was able to work through his feelings about himself in intimate relationships, and his need to control rather than be a victim, having seen only these two options in relationships.
After a year of intense counselling and support with the use of the essences, D. was able to let go of his feelings abut the relationship and in fact developed several very positive non-sexual relationships with women. He was determined to try to have a positive contract with his ex-wife to end the relationship, however this was not successful, although it did improve. He once again was charged with breaking an intervention order and went to court, armed with Emergency Essence and Bluebell, as he found it difficult to talk openly about how he felt in pressured situations. He found then that he had disconnected from the relationship, and in fact wanted to avoid seeing this woman again. Our contact ended with him feeling that he could now resolve finally the initial problem of abuse, seeing a solicitor and going through the process of charging the perpetrator. It took a year for him to see that he had a future which was better than any of the first 35 years of his life, and that he was determined to be happy for the next 35 years. Without the help of the Essences I would not have been able to assist D. to make the huge steps he did to change his life. It was a real revelation to him to realise what feeling in control of your life is about, and that it does not equate to controlling others. He also opened himself up to forgiving himself, understanding himself, and realising that it was what he did from here that would create happiness in his life.
This man had never sought any counselling until the day he walked into my office, and initially I feel that he did it to prove to his ex-wife that he was doing something to “make him better”, and ultimately to win her back. It took a long time for him to want to do it for himself, and the essences made this realisation possible and the issues easier to deal with, and helped in particular to heal the pain that had driven his anger for so many years. The essences were not used continually, but only when it seemed appropriate. The shifts were significant and I felt it was important for him to be able to integrate each move slowly, and with awareness.